Prayers

I first read the book, Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst, 2 1/2 years ago.  It is a powerful message that resonates with me.  I feel like Lysa is inside my brain and knows exactly how I think and feel.  I am re-reading the book and have been participating in an online Bible study with this book over the past few weeks.   It has been interesting to re-read the book after experiencing a season of victory over my eating and body issues.  There was a section I read recently that really struck a chord within my heart.

In Made to Crave, Lysa says:

But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus.  Each time I craved something I knew wasn't part of my plan,  I used that craving as a prompt to pray.  I craved a lot.  So, I found myself praying a lot.

Don't rush past this last paragraph.  I used my cravings for food as a prompting to pray.  It was my way of tearing down the tower of impossibility before me and building something new.  My tower of impossibility was food.  Brick my brick, I imagined myself dismantling the food tower and using those same bricks to build a walkway of prayer, paving the way to victory.

I want to be healthy for myself and for my family.  I want to be free of the struggle I feel every day concerning eating, food and body image.  I just want to eat and enjoy eating without the emotional garbage of being healthy or not healthy, being on a diet or eating out of control, feeling empowered and healthy or out of control and defeated.  There is too big of a swing from one extreme to the other.  I want to live a balanced life in every area of my life, including eating and exercising.

I have a huge tower of impossibility in front of me.  When I read Made to Crave in 2011, I didn't take Lysa's advice and pray the tower of impossibility down and then build a pathway to victory , through prayer,  with those same bricks.  I am going to pray my way to victory this time.  Not just to a lower weight, but to a lower, healthy, maintainable, life long weight.  I will pray my way to the finish line this time.

No Quiet Time--No Peace Weight Today-173.2, TWL 11.4 lbs

I didn't get up early this morning for my daily quiet time.  Once I did wake up, I had a jam-packed schedule all day long.  Not getting up for my quiet time is like choosing to have a hectic, stressful day.   I spend all day feeling tense, rushed, and uneasy.  I tend to eat food seeking to calm the storm inside my soul.

When I begin my day studying God's word and writing in my prayer journal, I am filled with an unexplainable peace.  I feel centered.  I feel happy.  I feel content.  I don't tend to feel hungry.  I tend to be more focused on the tasks I need to accomplish for that day.  It is hard to explain but there is a difference.

My food choices weren't great today.  I ate some less that healthy foods (chips, peanut butter crackers, cupcake and cherry cobbler).  I also ate too much food in general.  I am going to plan out my food for tomorrow early in the day.  I am going to log it all ahead of time and eat what I have pre-planned on eating.  My eating has been so out of control for so long now, I am having a hard time getting it back to a normal amount of healthy foods.

I need to commit to completing my GREEN vs. RED cards.  I know what I need to do to be successful, I just need to do it.

I Weigh 179! How Did I End Up Here AGAIN???

Weight 179 lbs, Total Weight Loss 5.6 lbs (2/16/14)

Weight 176.4 lbs, Total Weight Loss 8.2 lbs (2/17/14)

Weight 172.8 lbs, Total Weight Loss 11.8 lbs (2/18/14)

Weight 172.2 lbs, Total Weight Loss 12.4 lbs (2/19/14)

*I have worked on this post for 4 days

Oh my.  I knew getting on the scale was going to be ugly.  I knew my clothes weren’t fitting.  I knew I have been eating in a self-destructive way.  I knew that I have barely glanced at my body in a mirror because I didn’t want to acknowledge what I was doing.

I am disappointed in myself.  I am ashamed of myself.  I am saddened that I have chosen such self-destructive behaviors AGAIN! 

At the same time, I think I have always doubted I would be able to maintain my weight loss.  The truth of the matter is, I didn’t finish losing all the weight I wanted to in the first place.  For whatever reason, I am afraid of getting all the way to my goal weight.  I think I have finally figured out why I doubt my ability to lose ALL the weight I need to lose and I constantly sabotage myself with unhealthy food choices.  I think deep down inside, I am afraid I will get to my goal weight and it still won’t be good enough.  I won’t be good enough.  And then what will I do? 

I have been contemplating this unhealthy pattern of behavior for many years.  I have understood for a long time that I am always successful at losing weight when I want to lose weight. However, I have always felt an enormous amount of pressure and stress the lower my weight gets.  I haven’t weighed below 150 lbs for many years.  As I lose weight, I begin feeling very stressed and begin obsessing about food—eating it and not eating it.  Feeling guilty when I eat “off” my healthy eating plan, then eat more because I feel guilty.  Then eat more because I think I have totally “blown it” and will start over tomorrow.  But then don’t start over tomorrow because I “blow it” again or there is a holiday “requiring” unhealthy eating or we are going out to dinner or we are traveling or whatever the excuse is that day.  Next thing I know, I am no longer close to the 150 lb mark, I am back up to a much higher weight.  Then the process starts all over again.  My “tomorrow” finally becomes my “today” and I start the successful weight loss all over again with a mounting feeling of pressure and stress as I approach a truly healthy weight.

According to several resources online, a healthy weight range for a woman my age (46) and height (5’6”), is 114.6 -154.9 lbs.  That is a big variation in weight but those weights are within an 18.5 - 25 Body Mass Index (BMI) range.  I personally believe my healthiest weight would be somewhere around 130 lbs.

So the challenge is how I get from 179 lbs (AGAIN) to a healthy, maintainable weight.  How do I overcome the self-destructive, unhealthy patterns of behavior.  How do I overcome the fear that I am not good enough.  My weight is just an outward symbol of the inner turmoil I feel every day.  It is time to turn away from this and turn TOWARDS THE LORD.  His truth tells me I don’t have to be perfect because He is.  God loved me so much that he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins.  I am worthy in God’s eyes.  I am worth dying for.  When I read scripture, I don’t see that I have to look a certain way or weigh a certain amount, or live in a certain house or have a special job.  I just have to be willing to turn away from this world and turn toward Jesus.   Satan wants me living in defeat, in the belief that I am not good enough.  But scripture tells me differently:

Romans 3:24

²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1-2

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you^[a] free from the law of sin and death.

1 Peter 5:6-10

⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 5:17

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Lamentations 3:22

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” 

Action Plan:

     1)  Daily quiet time FIRST thing in the morning

·        2)  Work my new daily schedule, planning each day in advance

     3)  Complete daily RED vs. GREEN cards and post on blog daily.

            4)  Focus on the Lord and completing my 5 Healthy Habits each day. Let my weight work itself out.

I am grateful the Lord has worked in my life to the point where I can see what the true issue is with the self-destructive pattern of behavior I have exhibited for so many years.  I will rest in His strength and be confident that His grace will carry me through each day.  Christ died for me, therefore, I am no longer condemned.  I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus...I am good enough.

My Head is Spinning Too!

Seriously, when I look back over the last few months and the very spotty blog posts I have made, my head starts spinning!  How many "DAY 1" or "New Starts" can a girl have?  Apparently, A LOT!!!

I am trying to think in terms of "wanting" to make healthy choices, not "needing" to.  There is more grace in wanting something rather than needing it.  I am struggling with completing and posting my daily cards.  I do better when I complete my card and post a picture of it.  The accountability forces me to be more intentional.  I also do better when I start the day with exercise and Bible study first thing in the morning.  The exercise gets my blood flowing and helps me feel strong and self-controlled.  Reading my Bible (which includes some type of written, thought provoking Bible study book and writing in my prayer journal) fills me with a supernatural, Jesus-given kind of PEACE that I do not experience from any other place or person in my life.

So why don't I make these activities priorities in my daily schedule?  I have never exercised or read my Bible and then wished I had spent that time doing something else.  I have, however, slept in, watched TV, or dilly dallied around the house and wished I had used that time in a more positive way.  Also, I have never regretted passing up the temptation to eat something at night (once I resist the temptation). On the "other side" of that temptation, I am ALWAYS glad I resisted.  I need to remember that truth the next time the temptation comes along to eat something when I am not at all hungry, but rather, just craving something to eat.

The old theory says it takes 21-28 days to create a new habit.  I read a study online that indicated it took anywhere from 66 up to 254 days to create a new habit.  The difference in time varied for how difficult the new habit was to accomplish and how determined the person was to make the change.  I think Stephen R. Covey has the right idea on how to change.  He says,  "You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically, to say “no” to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside. The enemy of the “best” is often the “good.” "

I want to have a bigger "YES" burning inside me when I want to skip my exercise and sleep in.  That YES would say to exercise because I will feel better physically, mentally and emotionally.

I want to have a bigger "YES" burning inside me when I walk to the fridge or pantry because I am stressed, feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, or frustrated.  That YES would say that food is source of energy for my body, no kind of food or amount of food is going to make those uncomfortable feelings go away.

I want to have a bigger "YES" burning inside me when I delay having my Bible study time because I just need to.......start a load of laundry, straighten up the house, unload the dishwashwer, run to the grocery store.... That YES would say that God wants to be my FIRST priority, not get whatever "leftover" time I have in my day.  

Philippians 4:4-8 says, 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Beginning my day reading God's word and praying with thanksgiving in my heart definitely brings the peace of God to my heart and mind as this verse proclaims.  I want that TRUTH to be the YES burning inside me when I am tempted to delay my Bible study and prayer time.

I want to have a bigger "YES" burning inside me when I smell the fresh popped popcorn at the movie theatre.  That YES would say that going to the movie is about enjoying the movie, not the food.  That YES would also be intentional about losing weight and would have a healthy strategy for dealing with the popcorn smell by deciding NOT to eat popcorn long before arriving at the theatre.

I want to have a bigger "YES" burning inside me when I am tempted to stay up late to finish whatever it is I believe can't wait until tomorrow.  That YES would say that adequate sleep in critical to being a healthy, happy, fully-functioning person.  I would take time each evening to intentionally plan the next day and I would schedule my priorities, not prioritize my schedule.

There are other YES decisions burning inside me, these are just a few examples.  CHANGE is about CHOICE.  I say I WANT to CHANGE but sometimes my CHOICES would speak differently.  I want to have a bigger YES burning inside me, reminding me that each seemingly SMALL CHOICE can add up to BIG CHANGE.  Being CONSISTENT and INTENTIONAL with that bigger YES burning inside me.  I can do this, I know I can.

DAY 3 - 40% Green - Need Improvement

I'm obviously having a hard time getting on track. My friend JE told me I get off track when I start focusing on how much weight I'm going to lose by a certain date and that I just need to focus on ONE DAY AT A TIME. She is right!

DAY 2 - Too Much

I am almost two times over my goal in calories for the day. I ate out fir lunch and had chips and salsa with my salad. Then we ate at chickfila for dinner. instead of ordering my regular choice of the healthy and delicious salad, I chose a sandwich and fries instead which cost me about 600 calories MORE than the salad! Not worth it!!!.

It's all about choices, some choices are easy now but create hard consequences later in life! The other choices are hard now but create an abundant, happy life if the future.

NEW START - DAY 1 - 160.4 LBS

My husband's company offers an incentive program for employees and family members who participate in a preventative health program which includes being "coached" by professional "Life Coaches". I signed up for the program because I wanted to earn the $300 cash incentive, however, I believe the sessions have turned out to be beneficial.

I have to verbalize health related goals that I will commit to strive toward at the end of each session. After today's session, I committed to filling out my green vs. red cards again for at least one week.

I have much more to say but I'm am too tired to write anymore this evening.