DAY 4/365 Weight 170.6 lbs, Down 1.6 lbs, TWL 14 lbs

Today was obviously a hard day.  I was coughing badly last night so although I was in bed early enough to get 6 hours of sleep, I couldn't go to sleep.  So I decided not to go to bootcamp this morning because I felt bad and knew I would not get nearly enough sleep.

I started off drinking coffee this morning instead of water and was not intentional about drinking my water.  I made homemade coleslaw with cabbage, onion, bell pepper, celery, olive oil and cider vinegar.  It is delicious and healthy but I use quite a bit of salt in the recipe.  I imagine with my salt intake, lack of water  intake, and an 80% RED card, my weight will be up a lot tomorrow.  

I have to be intentional about meeting each of these goals.  A 20% success rate is not going to lead to weight loss.

DAY 3/365 Weight 172.2 LBS, Up 1.4 lbs, TWL 12.4 lbs

Today was a great day all the way around.  I got up early and did my quiet time.  There is just a supernatural peace that fills me all day long when I start out the day studying God's word.

Also, I have been using a new system for a daily schedule.  My husband has been asking me to write out my schedule for years and I have tried many times.  Thanks to his company having an incentive  program called Healthy Roads, I have gotten help in this area.  HR provides information and support for living a healthy life including diet, exercise, sleep, stress management etc.  They also provide "Coaching" which is when a participant receives a weekly call from a "Life Coach" to discuss whatever area the participant wants to address.

My Life Coach is Sherry.  I initially met with Sherry to earn the $250 incentive.  I thought she could help me figure out how to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night and I could earn the incentive.  To my surprise, visiting with her over the phone for 20 minutes a week has proven to be invaluable.  My lack of sleep as well as my self destructive eating habits can all be tied back to not managing my time well.  I now have a daily schedule that is incredible helpful.  It helps me realistically look at the amount of time I have in a day and prioritize my activities such as quiet time and boot camp in the morning, adequate time for house cleaning, laundry and errands during the day and free time in the afternoon and evening to enjoy my family.

As I am looking back on a 100% GREEN day, I know it was a good day because I was INTENTIONAL about meeting my goals and also how I managed my time.  Ahhh, GREEN is GOOD!!

Day 2/365

I got up late this morning and therefore never did my quiet time.  It is always a better day when I do my quiet time first thing in the morning.  My calories were over my 1700 calorie goal so I wrote it in red.  However, I went to an exercise class in addition to bootcamp so my calories were reasonable given the calories I burned today.

Day 1/365

I have decided to commit to completing a Green vs Red card every day for 1 entire year. That's a big commitment, however, one of my biggest challenges in life is being consistent.  I'm great at starting new things, but not so great at finishing them.  Consistency has alluded me in the weight loss category.  Well, that's not quite right.  I have consistently lost weight, unfortunately, I have consistently gained it back!

I have to believe that this time can be different.  GRACE for past mistakes and HOPE for a better future are beautiful gifts I can give myself, but more importantly, God promises me these two things in abundance!

Prayers

I first read the book, Made to Crave, by Lysa TerKeurst, 2 1/2 years ago.  It is a powerful message that resonates with me.  I feel like Lysa is inside my brain and knows exactly how I think and feel.  I am re-reading the book and have been participating in an online Bible study with this book over the past few weeks.   It has been interesting to re-read the book after experiencing a season of victory over my eating and body issues.  There was a section I read recently that really struck a chord within my heart.

In Made to Crave, Lysa says:

But through it all I determined to make God, rather than food, my focus.  Each time I craved something I knew wasn't part of my plan,  I used that craving as a prompt to pray.  I craved a lot.  So, I found myself praying a lot.

Don't rush past this last paragraph.  I used my cravings for food as a prompting to pray.  It was my way of tearing down the tower of impossibility before me and building something new.  My tower of impossibility was food.  Brick my brick, I imagined myself dismantling the food tower and using those same bricks to build a walkway of prayer, paving the way to victory.

I want to be healthy for myself and for my family.  I want to be free of the struggle I feel every day concerning eating, food and body image.  I just want to eat and enjoy eating without the emotional garbage of being healthy or not healthy, being on a diet or eating out of control, feeling empowered and healthy or out of control and defeated.  There is too big of a swing from one extreme to the other.  I want to live a balanced life in every area of my life, including eating and exercising.

I have a huge tower of impossibility in front of me.  When I read Made to Crave in 2011, I didn't take Lysa's advice and pray the tower of impossibility down and then build a pathway to victory , through prayer,  with those same bricks.  I am going to pray my way to victory this time.  Not just to a lower weight, but to a lower, healthy, maintainable, life long weight.  I will pray my way to the finish line this time.

No Quiet Time--No Peace Weight Today-173.2, TWL 11.4 lbs

I didn't get up early this morning for my daily quiet time.  Once I did wake up, I had a jam-packed schedule all day long.  Not getting up for my quiet time is like choosing to have a hectic, stressful day.   I spend all day feeling tense, rushed, and uneasy.  I tend to eat food seeking to calm the storm inside my soul.

When I begin my day studying God's word and writing in my prayer journal, I am filled with an unexplainable peace.  I feel centered.  I feel happy.  I feel content.  I don't tend to feel hungry.  I tend to be more focused on the tasks I need to accomplish for that day.  It is hard to explain but there is a difference.

My food choices weren't great today.  I ate some less that healthy foods (chips, peanut butter crackers, cupcake and cherry cobbler).  I also ate too much food in general.  I am going to plan out my food for tomorrow early in the day.  I am going to log it all ahead of time and eat what I have pre-planned on eating.  My eating has been so out of control for so long now, I am having a hard time getting it back to a normal amount of healthy foods.

I need to commit to completing my GREEN vs. RED cards.  I know what I need to do to be successful, I just need to do it.

I Weigh 179! How Did I End Up Here AGAIN???

Weight 179 lbs, Total Weight Loss 5.6 lbs (2/16/14)

Weight 176.4 lbs, Total Weight Loss 8.2 lbs (2/17/14)

Weight 172.8 lbs, Total Weight Loss 11.8 lbs (2/18/14)

Weight 172.2 lbs, Total Weight Loss 12.4 lbs (2/19/14)

*I have worked on this post for 4 days

Oh my.  I knew getting on the scale was going to be ugly.  I knew my clothes weren’t fitting.  I knew I have been eating in a self-destructive way.  I knew that I have barely glanced at my body in a mirror because I didn’t want to acknowledge what I was doing.

I am disappointed in myself.  I am ashamed of myself.  I am saddened that I have chosen such self-destructive behaviors AGAIN! 

At the same time, I think I have always doubted I would be able to maintain my weight loss.  The truth of the matter is, I didn’t finish losing all the weight I wanted to in the first place.  For whatever reason, I am afraid of getting all the way to my goal weight.  I think I have finally figured out why I doubt my ability to lose ALL the weight I need to lose and I constantly sabotage myself with unhealthy food choices.  I think deep down inside, I am afraid I will get to my goal weight and it still won’t be good enough.  I won’t be good enough.  And then what will I do? 

I have been contemplating this unhealthy pattern of behavior for many years.  I have understood for a long time that I am always successful at losing weight when I want to lose weight. However, I have always felt an enormous amount of pressure and stress the lower my weight gets.  I haven’t weighed below 150 lbs for many years.  As I lose weight, I begin feeling very stressed and begin obsessing about food—eating it and not eating it.  Feeling guilty when I eat “off” my healthy eating plan, then eat more because I feel guilty.  Then eat more because I think I have totally “blown it” and will start over tomorrow.  But then don’t start over tomorrow because I “blow it” again or there is a holiday “requiring” unhealthy eating or we are going out to dinner or we are traveling or whatever the excuse is that day.  Next thing I know, I am no longer close to the 150 lb mark, I am back up to a much higher weight.  Then the process starts all over again.  My “tomorrow” finally becomes my “today” and I start the successful weight loss all over again with a mounting feeling of pressure and stress as I approach a truly healthy weight.

According to several resources online, a healthy weight range for a woman my age (46) and height (5’6”), is 114.6 -154.9 lbs.  That is a big variation in weight but those weights are within an 18.5 - 25 Body Mass Index (BMI) range.  I personally believe my healthiest weight would be somewhere around 130 lbs.

So the challenge is how I get from 179 lbs (AGAIN) to a healthy, maintainable weight.  How do I overcome the self-destructive, unhealthy patterns of behavior.  How do I overcome the fear that I am not good enough.  My weight is just an outward symbol of the inner turmoil I feel every day.  It is time to turn away from this and turn TOWARDS THE LORD.  His truth tells me I don’t have to be perfect because He is.  God loved me so much that he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins.  I am worthy in God’s eyes.  I am worth dying for.  When I read scripture, I don’t see that I have to look a certain way or weigh a certain amount, or live in a certain house or have a special job.  I just have to be willing to turn away from this world and turn toward Jesus.   Satan wants me living in defeat, in the belief that I am not good enough.  But scripture tells me differently:

Romans 3:24

²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1-2

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you^[a] free from the law of sin and death.

1 Peter 5:6-10

⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 5:17

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Lamentations 3:22

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” 

Action Plan:

     1)  Daily quiet time FIRST thing in the morning

·        2)  Work my new daily schedule, planning each day in advance

     3)  Complete daily RED vs. GREEN cards and post on blog daily.

            4)  Focus on the Lord and completing my 5 Healthy Habits each day. Let my weight work itself out.

I am grateful the Lord has worked in my life to the point where I can see what the true issue is with the self-destructive pattern of behavior I have exhibited for so many years.  I will rest in His strength and be confident that His grace will carry me through each day.  Christ died for me, therefore, I am no longer condemned.  I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus...I am good enough.